Men

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. ~Mae West
My theory is that men are no more liberated than women. ~Indira Gandhi
All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others. ~Cynthia Heimel
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle. ~Rita Mae Brown
The rule in the women’s colleges was that after 7 p.m. all men were beasts. Up until 7 p.m. they were all angels, and the girls simply had to learn to live with that routine and practise love in the afternoon. ~Harry G. Johnson
No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy. ~Knights of Pythagoras
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ~Katharine Hepburn
If it can’t be fixed by duct tape or WD-40, it’s a female problem. ~Jason Love
When a man of forty falls in love with a girl of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own. ~Lenore Coffee
No nice men are good at getting taxis. ~Katherine Whitehorn, the Observer, 1977
The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men. ~Lupe Velez
Women’s Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It’s the men who are discriminated against. They can’t bear children. And no one’s likely to do anything about that. ~Golda Meir
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. ~Jean Kerr, The Snake Has All the Lines, 1960
The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough. ~Germaine Greer
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895
I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. ~Francesca M. Cancian
A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth – and endures all the rest. ~Helen Rowland
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ~Andy Rooney
It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. ~Helen Rowland
A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ~Lana Turner
Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are. ~Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1899
When you see a woman who can go nowhere without a staff of admirers, it is not so much because they think she is beautiful, it is because she has told them they are handsome. ~Jean Giraudoux
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? ~Linda Ellerbee
They say women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress you know that the filibuster was invented by men. ~Clare Booth Luce
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper. ~Camille Paglia
It’s a man’s world, and you men can have it. ~Katherine Anne Porter
I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don’t know one who wouldn’t fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink. ~George Jean Nathan
Men were made for war. Without it they wandered greyly about, getting under the feet of the women, who were trying to organize the really important things of life. ~Alice Thomas Ellis
Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn’t get so much as a glance from me. ~Amanda Vail
He is every other inch a gentleman. ~Rebecca West
A man’s heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant. ~Helen Rowland
A lot of guys think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don’t think it works like that. I think it’s the opposite. I think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent the men become. ~Anita Wise
Women have served all these centuries as looking-glasses providing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man as twice its natural size. ~Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own, 1929
It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men. ~Mae West
Macho doesn’t prove mucho. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Some men have a den in their home, while others just growl all over the house. ~Author Unknown
How can a man marry wisely in his twenties? The girl he’s going to wind up wanting hasn’t even been born. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~Jerry Seinfeld
A man’s home may be his castle on the outside; inside, it is more often his nursery. ~Clare Booth Luce
You [men] are not our protectors…. If you were, who would there be to protect us from? ~Mary Edwards Walker
Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne
Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. ~William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives of Windsor, 1601
Men are clinging to football on a level we aren’t even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It’s our Alamo. ~Tony Kornheiser
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ~Frank McKinney “Kin” Hubbard
Some men are so macho they’ll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. ~Maureen Murphy
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~Author Unknown
On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. ~Bruce Willis, on the difference between men and women
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
Alas! it is not the child but the boy that generally survives in the man. ~Arthur Helps, Thoughts in the Cloister and the Crowd, 1835
Few women care what a man looks like, and a good thing too. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
What’s the matter with you guys? The sight of blonde hair knocks you three rungs down on the evolutionary ladder. ~From the television show Civil Wars
The analysis of man discloses three chemical elements – a job, a meal and a woman. ~Martin H. Fischer
The only difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys. ~Author Unknown
A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. ~Ella Harris
A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. ~Henry Louis Mencken
Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It’s possible that both are right. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
I like naked women. I’m a bloke. I’m supposed to like them. We’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one…. When man invented fire, he didn’t say, “Hey, let’s cook.” He said, “Great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark”… The story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. ~Coupling, “Inferno,” 2 June 2000, written by Steven Moffat
There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~Author Unknown
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. ~Helen Rowland
Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with. ~Author Unknown
I can eat a man, but I’m not sure of the fiber content. ~Jenny Eclair
I make presents to the mother but think of the daughter. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. ~Mae West
Women are the right age for just a few years; men, for most of their lives. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
Did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes? It had a penis and a brain. ~Author Unknown
There’s nothing wrong with most men’s egos that the kowtowing of a headwaiter can’t cure. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. ~James Shubert
Men are only as loyal as their options. ~Bill Maher
Stop? I’m the guy. I don’t stop! That’s the woman’s job. We’re the gas, they’re the brakes. ~Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel, EDtv, 1999
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. ~Katharine Hepburn
Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man. ~Erica Jong
The hardest task in a girl’s life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. ~Helen Rowland
I’m a babe magnet… just the wrong end. ~Author Unknown
Every woman must admit, and every man with as much sense as a woman, that it’s very hard to make a home for any man if he’s always in it. ~Winifred Kirkland
I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself. ~Yoko Ono
God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I’ve ever met. ~Farrah Fawcett
Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success. ~Jim Backus
The old theory was “Marry an older man, because they’re more mature.” But the new theory is: “Men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.” ~Rita Rudner
Self-discipline implies some unpleasant things to me, including staying away from chocolate and keeping my hands out of women’s pants. ~Oleg Kiselev
Three wise men – are you serious? ~Author Unknown
There’s a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. ~John Erskine
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. ~Author Unknown
When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~S.A. Sachs
Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is. ~Author Unknown
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse. ~Dave Barry
If they can put one man on the moon why can’t they put them all there? ~Chocolate Waters
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. ~Natalie Wood
If men had more up top we’d need less up front. ~Jaci Stephen
Men lose more conquests by their own awkwardness than by any virtue in the woman. ~Ninon de Lenclos
Don’t accept rides from strange men – and remember that all men are as strange as hell. ~Robin Morgan
Men can read maps better than women. ‘Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles. ~Roseanne Barr
A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being more able to show his feelings. ~Beryl Bainbridge
Men are beasts and even beasts don’t behave as they do. ~Brigitte Bardot
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. ~Madame de Staël
‘Tis strange what a man may do, and a woman yet think him an angel. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
Guys are like roses. You’ve got to watch out for the pricks. ~Author Unknown
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ~Erma Bombeck
A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West
Men like a woman with a daring tongue. That’s a double-entendre, which reminds me they also like a ménage à trois. ~Carrie Latet
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. ~Jean Kerr
A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position. ~Oscar Wilde
Women are one of the Almighty’s enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. ~Ellen Glasgow
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything. ~Dave Barry
Men want a woman whom they can turn on and off like a light switch. ~Ian Fleming
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. ~Marlene Dietrich
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that. ~Steve Martin

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