Humorous

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. ~Author Unknown
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O’Rourke
How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.” ~Robert Brault
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet
Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. ~Aldous Huxley
Murphy was an optimist. ~O’Toole’s Commentary
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t. ~Douglas Adams
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown
Without geography, you’re nowhere. ~Author Unknown
It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
You can’t have everything… where would you put it? ~Steven Wright
He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin
I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams
And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” ~Author Unknown
May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown
The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown
A great name for a new country song: If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. ~Author Unknown
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown
How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, “Mr Siegal,” Heartattack and Vine
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig
A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar
There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault
Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home
Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny
All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O’Brien, 2003
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown
She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West
If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown
She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain
Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

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